Sick.

I wise man once said
that In a war between a bad cough and a violent case of the hiccups,
there can be no victor.


...okay actually I said that.
After I stopped choking on my cough drop.

Everything I know about marriage I learned in a bowling alley.

The other day I attended the bridal shower of a friend, at which we were asked to write down a bit of marriage advice to give to the bride-to-be.

I picked up my pencil and was about to write "how the heck should I know" when I looked around the room and realized that with my [now] one whole year of marriage under my belt, I am the official marriage veteran among my friends.

So I tried to think of all the amazing and inspiring marital insight I have gained in the past year that would be worth passing on,

But the only thing that would come to mind was the one-year anniversary gift I got for my husband the week before.


Matching custom bowling shirts.
You see,
I really really hate bowling.

But he loves it.


So.. you know.
Embroider that on a pillow.

The first week of Fallandgetaconcussion.

Today I woke up to rain on one of those mornings where you decide immediately to never ever leave your bed. And when you do, it is only upon the compromise of wearing your new boots and a scarf and driving with the heater on.

As I ventured out into the wet on my way to the post office it was clear that the day would require a stop at seven-eleven as well. Why?
Because cold + stormy + grey= the official start of Hot Chocolate Season(= the best part of winter). Yep. It was destined to be a good day.


That must have been what I was thinking about while I was buying stamps.
Which may have been the reason I didn't notice the super heavy automatic door swing closed at approximately one billion miles per hour right as I was attempting to leave.
Which is probably the why it smacked me so hard
right in the face.

And now, I may or may not be having a hard time remembering what I am doing, as well as getting my eyes to focus correctly(needless to say this post has taken an eternity to... I want candy).






But I think the important thing to remember here is, first, don't blame the chocolate.
And second, today will still be a great day. Even if I may not remember it tomorrow.

So I will cherish this black eye
as a souvenir of the first day of hot chocolate,
and the last day
I ever went to the post office.

-MD

Language Barrier.

Apparently,
I seriously
need to practice my haircutter.

You know, that language you speak only when in the salon chair?

For most it comes naturally: you walk in the salon a normal, English-speaking human, and the second your hair alterations begin, bam! You're suddenly speaking about bangs and blow dryers as if they were your best personality traits.

Unfortunately however, not all of us are so fluent in the haircut dialect.

Sometimes phrases like "just a trim" and "two inches" can fail to translate properly and end up sounding more like "8.6 inches" and "feel free to just take your garden shears to my head".

In such cases I have found, from (yesterday's) personal experience, that it is helpful to do what I did, as to not to seriously offend your hairdresser in her own native tongue:

One. When placed in front of a mirror and asked "what you think", try contain your shock by exposing as many of your teeth as possible and using only the word "wow".

Two. Try not to look. Make up an excuse for needing to rush home. Ie: my parakeet needs me.

Three. Don't cry until you are out of the parking lot.

Four. If you start to cry a little before reaching the parking lot, pretend to sneeze twice.

And Five.
Until it grows back,
don't underestimate
the power of a bun.

Inadvertent creepiness.

Today I went to lunch by myself. Something that, as a fully committed people person with a secret fear of quiet places, I rarely do.

Except if I'm starving. And it's Friday. And work is especially slow. And my ADD is especially acute. Along with maybe some PMS. And my attitude toward the universe in general can be summed up by the word "meh".

In which case the only thing to do is to climb into a corner booth and order everything you never dared eat in the presence of a an attractive male, or really in the presence of any other human.

So I did just that. I took care to pick the most secluded table of the darkest corner of the restaurant to as to ensure that my lonely ritual of face-stuffing could be enjoyed in peace. Or so I thought. Because as my order arrived I looked up to notice an older gentleman quite conspicuously staring me down.

I'm sure he's just wondering where my date is. Maybe he feels sorry for me. Is that why he's frowning like that? Geez he's not even trying to look away. This is weird.

I looked around and noticed the family of four to my right giving me the same look

Is there something on my face?? Maybe if I pretend to text someone will they think I ordered this for two...

I glanced at the group of women to my left, obviously on break from some kind of hair salon, and caught them stealing glances right back at me.

Why are they all eating salads? I don't normally eat this much bacon I swear...
There's the old dude again. Man, does he ever blink??

Alright people, maybe I AM here by myself, and maybe I DO spill on myself like a five-year-old, and maybe this IS a weeks worth of calories in one sitting. Whatever. Stare all you want weirdos!

And as I finished my gluttonous meal and stood up to leave, this is what I saw.

Right. Above. My head.



Not sure how I didn't notice that on my way in,
but I think it's safe to say
I solved the mystery of the creepiness.





(Go 49ers)

The glass is always half full. Even if the soap dispenser is now empty.

I fancy myself an optimist. Sure, we all have those days where everything is terrible and the only solution is to plot silently the death of the entire human race, but in general. I think there's always a light at the end of the tunnel.

So when the bad news is that I just accidentally knocked the soap dispenser off the wall of the bathroom at work and spilled a full gallon of liquidy soap all over the sink, the floor, my body, my shoes, and the wall;
I remember the good news:

1. Everything (including me) will eternally smell of delicious vanilla pine public restroom bliss, and
2. The soap is whitish-clear. Nobody will ever know.

Either you're getting weirder, or...

You know that awkward moment when you show up to your moms house and accidentally crash her lawn party?

And then the cops show up and you think your mom is about to get arrested but it turns out the cops were invited,
but you weren't?



Yeah.

Me neither.

No, no.. She has a point.

I had three missed calls from my mom today. When I finally called her back, it turned out that nobody had died, in fact she was calling to say that she had been thinking about me. And that in thinking about me, she came to the conclusion that:

I need
to sing more.

Momadvice.

And her best to date. 

A Little Marriage Trivia:

Q: What happens when you accidentally leave the fridge open over the long weekend?

A: Your husband eats crackers for dinner and still loves you. 

I am one lucky[irresponsible]girl. 

Magic.

Streetlamps light the route I run.
They stand as evenly-spaced reminders that your shadow can be the only company you need.
Except for one. Today, as I passed beneath it, it clicked off.
As I continued, my path faded into dark, taking with it my shadow, and my will.
And when I saw the next to be dark as well, I thought I should quit.
But I didn't. I kept on and passed under it. And as I did, it clicked on.
And there is just something fantastic about that.

Hydration Wars

Basically I hate water. It's flavorless, it's boring, and I need it to survive. It's a cruel world.

But apparently I'm not alone in my disdain. A remarkably reliable internet source (wikipedia) states that researchers estimate 75% of humans are chronically dehydrated. Seventy-five percent?? What, does Diet Coke not count? Somebody call and tell McDonalds!

My personal battle with water has been raging as long as I can remember, and so probably, has my dehydration. Can I help it that juice is like a bazillion times better? It tastes like candy! AND its good for you! ...Okay it's not as bad for you as soda! It's the ultimate drink. Water can never compare.

My mom was probably aware of my unnatural love for all things juice, and hatred of water. Because whenever we piled all five kids into the 1980 white astro-van for a road trip, Mom assumed her role as the snack-and-drink-rationer with devotion. Once, probably on the way to or from our annual Canadian vacation, as I eyed the Costco case of Snapple bottles I asked Sergeant Mom if I could have one. Her response was that I needed to drink a few water bottles before I had any more juice (lame). So what did I do? I promptly drank a few water bottles. Within five minutes. Apparently that's not what she meant. Because apparently after denying your system water for that many years, it isn't quite sure what to do with that much of it at once. And apparently nobody likes you when you make Dad pull over every fifteen minutes for the next three hours because you have to pee. 

Lesson learned water. Next time sneak the Snapple without asking Mom.

Unfortunately for the rest of my life whenever I did drink water it was in a similar fashion. Because if you have to get hydrated, do it like ripping off a band-aid right? Chug! Chug! Chug!

And even though now i'm old and married and infinitely wiser, I still love juice just as much. So maybe marriage didn't provide me with infinite wisdom. But you know what it did provide me with? Love handles! And thus a renewed fervor to get in shape. Part of which, as much as it pains me, is increasing my water consumption. So with my husband and my new dedication to conquer my watery foe, I set off to a sporting goods store. And bought THIS.

                                      

My new best friend. I must say the bite-and-drink idea is flawless. If you are a fan of absent-mindedly chewing on objects, this water bottle is for you! I have never been more hydrated or constantly entertained!

And the best part of my new hydration? Turns out it helps your eating habits too. As part of my internet water research I learned that the body's need for water often feels like a need for food. So remember those love handles? Two birds with one stone! This is so amazing I made a flow chart about it!

You're Welcome World!
And so it is I am WINNING these hydration wars. One equal water-to-juice ratio at a time.

fifty percent

For Better or Worse.

Few people take seriously the promises they make in marriage.
Luckily I did not make promises when I got married.

I made covenants.

I believe that a covenant is a contract with terms set by God, designed to allow Him to provide us with greater happiness. Happiness in marriage, happiness in life, and most importantly, happiness that lasts forever. That kind of promise merits any sacrifice on my part. And so when things go from better to worse, as they inevitably will in life, I will not be among the fifty percent of marriages that forfeit their forever. 

For Time and All Eternity. 

I won't give up.

This is my spring post.

I wrote a post about Spring. Turns out, it's actually a poem.


Sometimes I wonder why the world has quit.

What has she seen to beg so long a mourning?

And does she know the effect of her hiding?

When growth will cease so will healing.

So in her sleep she must not have seen.

But I see.

When cold is familiar it gets in your heart.

And gray stains your eyes.

And I might start to think

That the world is mourning me,

If I don't look and feel

Finally, 

Finally Spring.